Sick of begging for drugs.

I just placed an online order for Accutane. From some online international pharmacy that might be a scam, so fingers crossed. I don’t even know if you can do a chargeback with a credit card if the package never arrives or something. I did Accutane before, about 15 years ago, and it was fucking fantastic. My lips were really dry, but I have plenty of Chapstick, and my skin was good for a long time. Now I’m getting bumpy under the skin pimples along my jaw line, which is for sure hormonal acne. My doctor gave me oral antibiotics, then he gave me some cream, and it hasn’t really made a difference.

I know Accutane is a big production because of the possibility of birth defects, but I have an IUD, and haven’t gotten laid in literally years, so I’m not too worried about that. I’m pretty sure if I went to my doctor and asked for a referral to a dermatologist, he would make a fuss about it. I’m just tired for asking for things. Like when I went in with tennis elbow, I had had it for two weeks and it was getting to the point where it was painful all day. And I go to work with migraines all the time, so it’s not like I’m complaining about a little twinge. The doctor gave me some topical nsaid cream, which I refer to as bullshit cream, because if it could be solved by taking Aleve I wouldn’t have even bothered with the doctors appointment. So I had to wait a week and make another trip to get the steroid injection into my elbow, and that was what worked.

Then with the neurologist, he prescribes me literally six steroid pills for three months, and I certainly have to beg for opioids, and he tends to prescribe six packs of triptans with two or three refills, but 18 pills for three months doesn’t really work when I get 3 to 4 migraines week during the summer. I hate the pressure of trying to decide whether I should save my pills or whether it’s bad enough that I get to take one now, it just sucks. And I know everybody wants to start out with conservative treatment, but I’m tired of fucking around. I’d like to get just one problem actually taken care of for once.

So, hopefully the pills actually arrive; I did order brand name instead of generic. When they do, I’m going to tell my psychiatrist the truth, that I ordered Accutane off the Internet, and if he wants to order blood work to monitor my liver that’s fine, but I’m going to take them regardless. I mean I’m fucking depressed and getting migraines all the time, I don’t want to be a pizza face too. I don’t care if the doctor doesn’t think it looks that bad when I go in there after work with a face full of primer, foundation, concealer, powder, and setting spray. It’s not his face.

I ordered a low dose because then I have the option of cutting back if I get bad side effects. I only ordered about a months worth to start with anyway.

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A new day.

I think the ketamine lasts for about 10 or 11 days, because by the Friday before I feel like I’m dragging my ass and yesterday I remember thinking “it’s only Tuesday, how am i going to manage to get dressed and out the door and to work three more times this week?”

Today felt better. I’m kind of acutely aware of my loneliness, because we are having a wedding shower for a coworker this week and I’m practically the only single person on the floor. I left work a little early and did a shit ton of stuff but it kind of feels like I didn’t get that much accomplished.

The problem with my house is that it is overwhelming. My first move I had detailed lists of what was in every box, because that’s how I like to roll, and then in the depressed, escape-the-mice, and my-husband-left-me moves I’ve done a shit job of throwing stuff together at the last minute. Then it is a horror on the other end because I’ll need something and have to root through a bunch of miscellaneous boxes to get to it. The stuff that is “messy” in my house is stuff that doesn’t have a place because it’s never been really put away, and I never have time to unpack it because I’m running to stay in place with migraines and work.

I had to leave work early today because the barometric pressure was plummeting. Maybe I will get a chance to catch up a bit on the long weekend…

The one that got away.

There was a summer grad student at my work – cute, smart, funny. I hoped he would ask me out – I mean people do that, right? Say “Hey, maybe we could get a drink sometime” or “We should keep in touch!” Instead he was like “Bye!” And off he went. The first eligible man I’ve been in the same room with for months, and nothing came of it. I was so disappointed, I cried to my coworker, who suggested all the right things – focus on myself, try dating sites, try Meetups, try not to worry, it’ll work out someday – and I just kept on crying. I don’t think partnered people can grasp just how lonely it is to be unwillingly unpartnered.

No one to ask you how your day was.
No one to help you unload the car.
No one to snuggle and watch movies with.
No one to hold hands with.
No one to help eat the leftovers.
No one to talk things through, even little things like whether you should try a new cereal or not.
No one to cheer you on when you really try hard.
No one to take you to the emergency room.

The Nothing.

Does anyone else remember the movie “the never-ending story”? I remember the threat of the nothingness coming into the kingdom, and the nothingness is what depression feels like.

I don’t want to do anything, or feel anything. It’s way too early to go to bed, but late enough that I don’t want to start some project either. I don’t even feel like watching TV. Just apathetic. Maybe I have a migraine coming. The weather report doesn’t say that there’s anything on the way, but it’s been wrong before…

Time would be a present.

It’s only Monday and I already feel like I’m losing it. I worked Saturday to make up time, had a horrific migraine yesterday and went to Costco anyway because I had no food in the house, so I was a sweaty mess by the time I got the stuff back home, was a stress case today at work – one guy I’m with a project on wrote to ask when I would get such and such done, and I said I hadn’t looked at it yet, I was working on X because I was told X was top priority.

So he asks are there many changes for Project Y? I don’t know, I am working on project X. Well, how long will it take me? A LOT LESS TIME if you stop emailing me and let me work, how about that?

So I watched one episode of my current TV series while I ate, did a load of dishes and a load of laundry and now I have to fall asleep right now… if I want 8 hours of sleep. I hate feeling all raggedy-edged about shit, like I’m fragile and bitchy at the same time. I’ve been taking some pot truffle every night – I seem to be building up a tolerance so I can enjoy a tiny bit without getting antsy and anxious, but I suspect that Ativan is going to be this week’s primary sponsor!

Giving up poor support.

I talked to Beth, briefly, for the  first time in a couple of weeks.  I told her how I had broken down in front of my boss before my week off, and he had asked me to establish a safety contract. She said Oh! A ha ha ha ha!

What the fuck is funny about that? I feel like she doesn’t take depression seriously, she doesn’t take me seriously, and much as I get lonely or appreciate having long-standing relationships, it’s just not worth talking to her anymore.

I need the patience of a saint.

My parents just called and suggested I could meet them in a nearby city this weekend because they’re going to a dance or something and are going to drive their motorhome.

So I said if they wanted a campsite for this Saturday night, they had better get on that yesterday, because it’s prime camping season. My dad was like “On yeah, I’ll look into it tomorrow” and I didn’t get why you wouldn’t make a reservation right away if you know that’s what your plans are.  Either he doesn’t want to pay for a campsite, or he doesn’t grasp the idea of reserving online and wants to try to call a person, which is fine, but I said I didn’t really want to spend the night in a Walmart parking lot with no power or water, I’d rather drive back home. Seeing as it’s prime camping season and all. So that’s frustrating because I’m trying to help them out and they’re being obtuse! When my mom got on the phone I said I was just trying to explain the reservations and what not and she got this TONE of voice and was like “Is something wrooooong?” Like I would tell you if there was something wrong. You would be literally the last person on the planet, bitch!

I feel like it would be a jerk move to turn them down because they obviously want to see me, even though to be honest I don’t want to see them! I felt annoyed and thought “What for?? You were just here!” Don’t they remember how much fun we didn’t have? Can’t I just see them at Christmas and leave it at that? I mean, I would never pick them as friends if they weren’t my parents and they have opposite values of me so we just don’t have a lot in common and it sucks to feel pressured. Fuck!!

“Life’s just hard” is not the problem

I’m feeling kind of stressed.  I tried to do some work today and I couldn’t really concentrate. I just really couldn’t focus, there’s no other way to put it. Tomorrow is the memorial service for my friend who died, and I’m meeting a mutual friend  before for coffee, so we can go together.  So that’s pretty much going to take up the day, then Tuesday is ketamine and the psychiatrist appointment.  So now we’re into Wednesday before I really get a chance to take a crack at some work, and I’m feeling worried about it. Knowing that I don’t have any time off, that there’s only EI, it’s making me really really stressed about my ability to keep working just because I know that safety net isn’t there.

I tried talking to Beth,  about how I didn’t feel like there been anything worth living for since January, and it seems stupid to live three more months for a concert, and if Chester Bennington killed himself then what hope is there for me? Somehow Beth turned it into “life is hard! Life’s just hard for everyone!” and didn’t seem to hear what I was saying at all. Which shouldn’t surprise me, because I know that’s the kind of thing she says, but she’s also somebody who will lend a listening ear on short notice, so it’s kind of a beggars can’t be choosers thing.

Yes, I know everybody has to get up and go to work every day and pay our bills and do our chores and then a lot of life is a grind. And that everybody else has also done this since January. But not everybody else is in the headspace where they feel like nothing at all has been enjoyable, and it’s all been a waste of time, and they would’ve been better off dying in January. My depression isn’t just the result of some kind of fucked up expectation that I have that life is easy peasy.

I sent her a couple snippets from brochures about depression and ketamine, emphasizing how it’s pretty much reserved for severe depression that’s treatment resistant but I don’t think it will do any good. It’s so frustrating. How can I have failed to get anything across about being depressed for fucksakes?

To-do list

I put “put bra and shirt on” as a Thing I Have Accomplished Today. Yep, I’m reaching. I had bought some baskets of mushrooms because they were the cheapest, which turned out to be a mistake as when I sat down to clean them they had become moldy  from being in the damp plastic. Great.