A new day.

I think the ketamine lasts for about 10 or 11 days, because by the Friday before I feel like I’m dragging my ass and yesterday I remember thinking “it’s only Tuesday, how am i going to manage to get dressed and out the door and to work three more times this week?”

Today felt better. I’m kind of acutely aware of my loneliness, because we are having a wedding shower for a coworker this week and I’m practically the only single person on the floor. I left work a little early and did a shit ton of stuff but it kind of feels like I didn’t get that much accomplished.

The problem with my house is that it is overwhelming. My first move I had detailed lists of what was in every box, because that’s how I like to roll, and then in the depressed, escape-the-mice, and my-husband-left-me moves I’ve done a shit job of throwing stuff together at the last minute. Then it is a horror on the other end because I’ll need something and have to root through a bunch of miscellaneous boxes to get to it. The stuff that is “messy” in my house is stuff that doesn’t have a place because it’s never been really put away, and I never have time to unpack it because I’m running to stay in place with migraines and work.

I had to leave work early today because the barometric pressure was plummeting. Maybe I will get a chance to catch up a bit on the long weekend…

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The one that got away.

There was a summer grad student at my work – cute, smart, funny. I hoped he would ask me out – I mean people do that, right? Say “Hey, maybe we could get a drink sometime” or “We should keep in touch!” Instead he was like “Bye!” And off he went. The first eligible man I’ve been in the same room with for months, and nothing came of it. I was so disappointed, I cried to my coworker, who suggested all the right things – focus on myself, try dating sites, try Meetups, try not to worry, it’ll work out someday – and I just kept on crying. I don’t think partnered people can grasp just how lonely it is to be unwillingly unpartnered.

No one to ask you how your day was.
No one to help you unload the car.
No one to snuggle and watch movies with.
No one to hold hands with.
No one to help eat the leftovers.
No one to talk things through, even little things like whether you should try a new cereal or not.
No one to cheer you on when you really try hard.
No one to take you to the emergency room.

Giving up poor support.

I talked to Beth, briefly, for the  first time in a couple of weeks.  I told her how I had broken down in front of my boss before my week off, and he had asked me to establish a safety contract. She said Oh! A ha ha ha ha!

What the fuck is funny about that? I feel like she doesn’t take depression seriously, she doesn’t take me seriously, and much as I get lonely or appreciate having long-standing relationships, it’s just not worth talking to her anymore.

“Life’s just hard” is not the problem

I’m feeling kind of stressed.  I tried to do some work today and I couldn’t really concentrate. I just really couldn’t focus, there’s no other way to put it. Tomorrow is the memorial service for my friend who died, and I’m meeting a mutual friend  before for coffee, so we can go together.  So that’s pretty much going to take up the day, then Tuesday is ketamine and the psychiatrist appointment.  So now we’re into Wednesday before I really get a chance to take a crack at some work, and I’m feeling worried about it. Knowing that I don’t have any time off, that there’s only EI, it’s making me really really stressed about my ability to keep working just because I know that safety net isn’t there.

I tried talking to Beth,  about how I didn’t feel like there been anything worth living for since January, and it seems stupid to live three more months for a concert, and if Chester Bennington killed himself then what hope is there for me? Somehow Beth turned it into “life is hard! Life’s just hard for everyone!” and didn’t seem to hear what I was saying at all. Which shouldn’t surprise me, because I know that’s the kind of thing she says, but she’s also somebody who will lend a listening ear on short notice, so it’s kind of a beggars can’t be choosers thing.

Yes, I know everybody has to get up and go to work every day and pay our bills and do our chores and then a lot of life is a grind. And that everybody else has also done this since January. But not everybody else is in the headspace where they feel like nothing at all has been enjoyable, and it’s all been a waste of time, and they would’ve been better off dying in January. My depression isn’t just the result of some kind of fucked up expectation that I have that life is easy peasy.

I sent her a couple snippets from brochures about depression and ketamine, emphasizing how it’s pretty much reserved for severe depression that’s treatment resistant but I don’t think it will do any good. It’s so frustrating. How can I have failed to get anything across about being depressed for fucksakes?

Ghosted.

I read this today:
https://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/why-dont-they-write-songs-about-this?utm_term=.amr2eN2Z8#.osw09A0Ke

And it made me wish that people I’ve known had that decency. One gal who I’ve known for over a decade became married and successful… we were hanging out less often, and I was clear about how I was unemployed and depressed and everything else, but made a real effort to try and be perky and take an interest in her life and ask about things she mentioned previously when we got together. At one point I straight up said that I appreciated her getting together with me, because I’ve been really isolated. She said that she wasn’t really sure whether to reach out or not when she know I’ve been depressed, and I said that I would always appreciate the effort.

We went for coffee last spring and she said that she’d like to get together again (i.e. Have time to get together again) around the end of the summer, so would get in touch with me in August. August came and went. This April came and went. I sent her an email a couple of weeks ago with a workshop notice I had received from a mailing list, and a quick note saying that I thought she might be interested in this, and hoped she was doing well.

Nothing. Nada. Now it’s been three weeks, I think, and then she didn’t even reply saying thanks for sending this my way, I’m super busy but nice to hear from you, or anything. So I pretty obviously have to chop her off the friends list. Or the acquaintances list, which is probably more accurate.

I’m trying to feel OK with it. I realize that it’s more a thing of familiarity than us having been super close. I have re-connected with a friend from University, who I haven’t seen in a decade, and we’ve had several two or three our phone date or the time just flies and there’s no problem finding things to talk about and I laugh so hard I think I’m going to pee myself. Time with the ghosting acquaintance didn’t feel like that, so it should be easier to let it go, but I still feel vaguely hurt about it.

Then there’s my friend who would rather do drugs than being my friend. I’ve known her for literally over 20 years. And yes, I used to get high all the time when I was in my early 20s. And heck, lately I’ve been getting high more and it seems to be good for my mental health. So it’s not like I have any judgement against that. It’s just that sometime ago, I had messaged her to see if she wanted to get together, when I was visiting the town she lives in and staying with my parents. I asked her if she wanted to go out for coffee, because even if I didn’t partake I didn’t want to get hot boxed and have to go back to my parents house with my clothes reeking of pot smoke. She pretty much straight up said no, that she wanted to go home and get high and that I was welcome to come over, but she wasn’t going to go out somewhere that didn’t involve sitting home and getting high to see me.

So, okayyy I guess… then she moved, to a city that I could potentially have a connecting flight in for the Depeche Mode concert. So I messaged her again, and said that I was going to have a layover in her town in a couple of months. She replied saying “is that so?” And nothing else. No chitchat about how hey maybe we could cross paths no, no talk about how that’s great but the airport is really far from her, nothing. So yeah.

It kind of all comes down to, am I loveable? If I am, why the hell can’t I find a boyfriend, or why don’t my parents love me? Or why can’t I make new loyal friends? Why are the only friends I have ones that I made 15 years ago? And why do “friends” do this ghosting shit instead of being genuine?

Missing the smallest things.

I’m so fucking lonely. I left work early, by an hour and a half, because there was a thunderstorm coming and I just couldn’t think.

I told my psychiatrist that it’s been hard to shower, which is always kind of a little sign for me that shit is hitting the bricks, and that it’s hard to concentrate at work.

He is on vacation for the next two weeks, as is my family, so it would be the perfect fucking time to commit suicide except that I’m not suicidal. I don’t think I have anything to live for, but I’m not in the headspace where I can just off myself.

I didn’t take my meds last night or this morning, and I’m so tempted to just stop taking them until I feel shitty enough to do it, but I’m pretty sure that would lead to withdrawal symptoms and totally stopping functioning at work faster than I would actually arrive at the end game, and then I just will have fucked everything up.

I’m basically waiting until this winter, when I really think that I’m going to get depressed again, and I’m going to get depressed enough to do it. Certainly lonely enough to do it.

It’s now been 3 1/2 years since I’ve had a significant other. Or anything beyond a first and last quick coffee date with a handshake or a quick A-frame hug at the end. I’ve booked a professional cuddler for four months from now, if I actually managed to make a trip 4 months from now. It’s barely 4 months since I got out of the hospital, and I can’t imagine another four full months until I have something to look forward to. And then after those two days, then what?

I imagine what kind of conversations people in the other apartments in my building are having. Just “hi, how was your day?” Or asking by text if they could pick up milk on the way home from work. Or just sitting on the couch and cuddling. I miss that so badly it’s making me tear up to think about it.

My entire human contact is going to work in the morning, and I say good morning, and my officemates say how are you and I say fine, how are you? And they say fine. And then at the end of the day they pack up their stuff and say see you tomorrow, and I say OK, have a good night! And then I come home. Alone. To an empty house. An empty couch. An empty bed.

There’s no real reason to have hopes that that will change. All of my Facebook friends and acquaintances and people at work too, who had broken up with or divorced their partners have found new partners now. Like, solid new partners and have been married for years, or moved in together, or are buying a house together. I literally don’t know anyone who’s been alone for four years by choice.

If there something about me that makes me unattractive or unlikable, I can’t change it now. I see women who are fatter than me, poorer than me, less educated than me, it doesn’t matter.

I mean, I have the occasional coffee or a phone date or Skype date with an old friend where I actually feel like a human, and somebody recognizes that I exist, but then on the day-to-day I just feel, I don’t know, like I’d be better off dead.

So then I come around to how I don’t want to live another four months like this. I certainly can’t live another four decades like this. So if I’m sad enough to think about stopping taking my medication so that I can be sad enough to actually do it, does that mean I am actually suicidal even though I’m not suicidal enough to commit suicide?

So tired. Weary.

I missed work Monday because of a migraine then agreed to do a little side project yesterday (I’d like to have some spare dollars so I can get massage therapy and wait to be reimbursed in the insurance company’s sweet time) so that’s two days of work to make up over the weekend. It’s just this horrible cycle of always playing catch-up, and then I’m not balanced and not relaxed, which just makes it harder.

It takes so much time to go to the doctor/ RMT/ therapist/ neurologist/ psychiatrist/ hospital/ pharmacy and work and have migraines. I just don’t see myself as able to keep up a full-time job for much longer because I’m weary on a soul level.

Wednesday I went to work, booked a doctor appointment with my GP for 5:15 to try and get a referral to a dermatologist because my acne is worse than it was when I was a teen. I had to wait around for a half an hour which I spent washing my make up off so he could see the severity of the situation. When he came into the room, he said he was so sorry to hear that I was having such trouble with my depression. It totally dis-combobulated me. I was all ready to play the part of his patient who hadn’t seen him in months, and was coming in for a referral for my hormonal skin, no big deal. I don’t know if he looks up people’s electronic medical records before he sees them or if the receptionist does that as part of the chart or what. And I get that it makes sense, but it just totally changed the tone of things.

So he basically diagnosed me with bad skin due to stress. I’m breaking out on my face, and on my cheeks and joy line instead of my t-zone where I used to. Then I have huge patches of itchy dry eczema of the come and go on my hands and chest. So he prescribed me some kind of antibacterial cream from my face and a stronger steroid for the eczema, and I didn’t really have the presence of mind to push for referrals so I asked him to write me a prescription for migraine drugs, while he was at it, and said I would be back if it didn’t work. Then I went to the drugstore. And waited half an hour for it to be filled. Then the pharmacist said my total was 120 something dollars, and I just about had a heart attack because I just given them my new health benefits information with the card that I just got that day, which was supposed to give me 100% coverage. So the pharmacist figured that the plan wanted me to get generics, and they didn’t have two of the medications so I’m gonna have to go back to get them tomorrow, and so it was like 8 o’clock by the time I got home so I microwaved a bowl of peas and checked my email and went to bed.

Yesterday was the side job, so I had to get up super early so that I could catch the bus to go downtown to be on time, and I did, and I worked all day, and then I tried to finish all the paperwork at the end of the day but I was too burnt out. So I stopped working at 6:30, and went and caught a bus, but the transfer I needed was only running once an hour so I ended up walking most of the way home and didn’t get home until eight, just like the night before.

Today my skin just looks fucking awful, because I put Differin and the antibiotic cream on it which was obviously not a good idea, so I still have the bad complexion I had before, as well as a couple of dry red patches of skin that makeup just wouldn’t stick to. It was just sliding off and pilling and making my face looks super patchy. It’s like the worst make up day I’ve ever had. So then I started getting anxious that I couldn’t get my face into any kind of shape to go to work, which just made me get shaky and sweaty. So I went to work, stopped at the parking office to be told that it was too late to make any changes for this month, and didn’t actually arrive to the office until 10:30.

I had an appointment to see the hospital chaplain at 1, so I only got a couple of hours of work in before I had to leave. I wept at him for an hour and a half. I didn’t think I was that sad, but I started crying practically as soon as I saw it down. I guess it just takes so much energy to hold everything in and put on a good show at work that I’m not really in touch with stuff during the day.

So it was 3 o’clock by the time I got back to work, and I still had five hours to put in. It was just so shitty. I was totally unproductive and I felt just bleary and puffy and teary-eyed and tired. I managed to get a second wind a little bit toward the end, but I didn’t really put in a full days work. So I got home it shortly after 8, opened a can of tuna, and that brings us to now. I’ve been out of the house for basically 12 hours a day for one reason or another, and by the time I drag myself home i’m tired. There’s nothing in the fridge, except ketchup, so I have to go to the bank, then grocery shopping and back to the pharmacy, and I need gas, and I’m going to have to do some laundry before next week, and meanwhile I have to work two days out of this weekend, and probably have a migraine as well. It’s just so fucking exhausting, doing it all myself, and the cried out, wrung out, puffy eyed feeling doesn’t go away with a cup of coffee or even a Dexedrine.

I know in my head that most people that have this level of migraine consistently aren’t holding down a job at all, let alone working full-time, and I know how much time it takes for me to try and manage having a physical and mental illness, but still have this vague feeling that I ought to be able to pull things together somehow, there’s no point just stumbling through the days like this.

Ugh, I made Monday worse.

I was having a hard time getting up and out this morning (with no group in the afternoon to serve as a deadline) and ended up rolling in to work at 11, standing in the coffeeshop buying a scone because I hadn’t even managed a protein shake. I should have showered before I went to work and was in jeans that were too big and a top that was WAY too big and polyester to boot. Anyway my boss came in to the coffeeshop as I was in line; that was fun.

I felt just blechy and sticky and gross the whole day, and wished that I’d had a fucking shower and looked harder for something to wear. You know when you just feel… ugh?

So when I came home I showered and then threw in some laundry so I’d have something to wear tomorrow (I still have no pants that aren’t too big, or too small, but at least they’ll be clean and baggy) and changed the sheets on the bed.

That was fucking gross as I hadn’t changed them since being discharged from the hospital in mid-February. Like beyond college bachelor gross. I just thought, what the fuck difference does it make? And then I couldn’t muster up the effort to do it, so whatever.  Now I have clean sheets AND clean laundry, which I guess is an advantage of having a shorter day (minus group).  So yay me, I guess.

I’m going to buy some greens powder to dump into my shakes because eating is just not going to happen, at least it hasn’t in the past 6 weeks so it’s no use imagining that I’ll suddenly start. I might as well plan as if I am not going to be able to cook a bunch of stuff, and my skin is horrible at the moment – I have forgotten to take my antibiotics, cheated with a face wipe before bed, and basically had protein powder, coffee, and milk exclusively – so maybe eating a more well-rounded smoothie will help.

I feel immensely sad and lonely in a way that I don’t know if I can get anyone who isn’t a professional, or who hasn’t had their own struggle with mental health, to understand. I actually looked up the professional cuddler that I had seen last summer (yes, I know, it sounds super sketch) because I thought the hell if it does cost $90 an hour; I’m going to go insane if I can’t feel close to someone.  And the guy has stopped doing it; he is not on the website anymore. So I can’t get a cuddle for love or money?  Dammit.

I’m resolved not to share as deeply with Beth anymore, and I know I’ve said this before, but I’ve felt resolved for a solid week now. I talked to her last week and she had an instant answer for everything – I shouldn’t focus on myself, I’ll have to let such-and-so go, I should pray harder, there was nothing where she was able to say “I hear that you feel really sad about this. Could I suggest…?”  Which makes me value my training, because I damn well know how to sit with someone in their pain and validate their feelings and help them to feel heard and apparently that does NOT come naturally.

But again, as I don’t have a ton of “outlets”, deciding to cut Beth off means that again I’m largely leaving myself to the realm of professionals and I wonder wtf is wrong with me that I can’t find a partner in real life to walk beside me with this shit? Doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, I can’t change it.  I’m going to suggest at my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow that I just stop taking the antidepressants and we plan to try out MAOIs because I’m crying all the time anyway, how much worse can it get?

I need something to live for.

I’m lonely as fuck. I’m straight up scared that no one will ever love me again. It’s been three years, and I haven’t gotten as much as a second date.  We did an exercise in group a few days ago about how balanced our lives were, and I got all teary because it asked about whether we get hugs or physical affection, and no, I don’t. No.  I could certainly go and pay the professional cuddler to hug me, but…

I don’t understand why when there are people less attractive than me and less healthy than me and they’ve got themselves relationships… why do people tell me that I should be happy being all by myself first and only then do I get a crack at another person? If you had to be perfect by yourself first, I think a lot of the people in relationships would have to be single.

and it’s just loneliness on a really basic simple level that I can’t seem to get across to healthcare providers. It’s chatting about like what looks like it might be good and what looks like marketing bullshit in the grocery store. It’s having someone to text to say that you’re leaving work and on your way home. It’s having someone to give you an ice pack when you have a migraine.   It’s not necessarily the sex with fireworks and the dramatic stuff that you might think of about relationships.

My job isn’t important enouvh, and it doesn’t pay enough, for it to be a reason to live.

So starting tomorrow I’m going to microdose on mushrooms. We’ll see how that goes.

 

 

Flat out, but uplifted.

I’ve had a migraine all day, which fucked over my plans for going into work, to make up for last Monday which I missed due to a migraine. So I’m going to have to go in tomorrow, and I had plans to see a friend in person so that really sucks.

On the bright side, I managed to connect with a long distance friend today and we talked for two hours.  Oh my God, I feel so much better, not awesome, but I connected with somebody and they heard me and I feel validated.

I don’t know how I’m going to manage just my tasks of daily living, because it took me two hours to work up the energy to have a shower and now I’m going to sleep. I need to do laundry, do dishes, change my sheets, and I don’t know how I’ll fit it all in.