I had emailed Beth last week to say how crappy I was feeling. She responded with what, to me, was an unbelievable email:
I am really troubled that you are letting yourself spiral down again.
I know you can rise above your current feelings of hopelessness because I have seen you do it before, but YOU have to decide that. There are good things in life if one CHOOSES to look for them, acknowledge them and be thankful for them. There can be joy even in the small and mundane things in life.
I wrote back saying that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t managed to explain to her that depression is not just a choice… and let’s not talk about it anymore… then when I was admitted to hospital I emailed my cell number and said I knew her heart was in the right place, that I wasn’t well so hadn’t responded at my best.
She hasn’t called or emailed, and I sent that yesterday afternoon. So I’m sad and disappointed. And I am not sure how to interpret it — are they busy? They are scared of saying the wrong thing? Be it noted forevermore that just dropping out is the only truly wrong thing you can do with a depressed friend.
On the bright side, one of my long-distance friends called tonight and it made me feel like myself to talk to her. I would actually rather connect more with my long-term long distance friends than have most people visit in person, because then there is a kind of pressure to hold up my end that doesn’t seem worth the trouble.