I woke up feeling tired and pushed my way through three loads of laundry and a load of dishes. I had a Coke, and some coffee, and my Dexedrine, and I felt just exhausted. So I lay down for a rest with my blanket and the cat. Then I realize that it felt too good to lay on my left side. Like if I wasn’t lying on my left side, it would be hurting on my left side. Yep, got sneaking head pain approaching the left side. And cold feet, check. And now I don’t want to move because moving hurts. It’s only early evening And I’m going to have to kill time somehow, because it hurts to look at light and it hurts to move and so I’m just going to be laying on my side waiting for the pain to stop, but it won’t stop not until I wake up tomorrow morning hopefully.
And this is why I don’t feel my quality of life is worth living. The last headache I had was Wednesday. I missed half a day off work and went in at noon and tried to work all night and now here I am on Saturday, and tomorrow I’ll have a headache hangover but I’ll need to try and do productive things to get ready for the week.
I wonder what time that leaves me for fun? Well that’s a good question. It doesn’t leave me any fucking time for fun and my headache being unreliable means I can’t really join up for classes or anything that’s at a specific time without planning to have to miss a lot with little notice. People have told me to go ahead and sign up anyway, that people will understand when they hear I have a chronic condition. That’s not even the entire problem. The problem is the agony it puts me into trying to decide if my head hurts this much now, how long can I last before I’ll be throwing up? Can I drive myself to the meeting? What if I stay home and my head doesn’t really hurt all that much? What if I just power through it, but but I’m still sick tomorrow when I have to miss work? There’s no right answer, it’s just soul sucker of energy and it sucks to be in pain and it sucks to be in pain so often and I want to sleep… I think I could try and kill myself now if I had the means at hand, but I’m too sick to move.