Cry

I got a migraine after lunch and took 1/4 of the new opioid, which knocked me for a loop. So I went down and slept in the back of my car in the Parkade; I’d put a pillow down there for times just like this. It’s gone now, the migraine, but I didn’t really put a full day of work in.

I got to see my psychologist today…

I cried pretty hard at him because I felt like for a month or so after I got out of the hospital, I still wished I was dead and then for a few weeks or so I was reconciled with being here and started checking out things that I wanted to do, like go back to a fitness class and practice music and take a course or a workshop or something, but then when May came around the migraines came around too so it’s really been nothing but work and migraines (“just survival”, my psychologist said) for the last seven weeks.

I think the question of how much we can choose to form our thoughts a certain way and how much our thoughts are formed by our condition is a chicken and egg question…

I totally wept at my psychiatrist on Tuesday, and explained that I had done the basic household stuff of laundry etc. on Saturday, and I had thought that if I felt OK on Sunday I could do some of the nice to do things, like wash my make up brushes. Then Sunday I had a migraine, and so I didn’t – couldn’t – wash the make up brushes. And not being able to go on holidays was one thing, I cried at him, but not being able to wash my make up brushes was another.

And I know that if I just wash the make up brushes, instead of crying for half an hour about how I couldn’t I wash them sooner, that would seem to make sense, but it’s just a a deep deep sorrow and heartbroken grief and loss; and then I’m crying not just because my make up brushes are dirty but because if I can’t even look forward to such a small thing what is there, and the future and the idea of having years like this ahead feels so despairing and hopeless that it’s overwhelming.

it’s a lot easier for me to get behind the idea and the experience that we live in a world with some kind of universal God or Goddess energy, and that can manifest in crystals and herbs, and that you can get attuned and grounded to your own energy from a Reiki session, than that I’m supposed to pray to an all-powerful God who loves me and cares for me, even though I don’t feel it and I don’t see it and it doesn’t make any difference to me, and praying makes me feel worse, when holding crystals makes me feel better. Maybe that means that I just have terrible faith. I don’t know.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s