A quote I found.

“And no matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken”
– Tiffanie DeBartolo

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Missing the smallest things.

I’m so fucking lonely. I left work early, by an hour and a half, because there was a thunderstorm coming and I just couldn’t think.

I told my psychiatrist that it’s been hard to shower, which is always kind of a little sign for me that shit is hitting the bricks, and that it’s hard to concentrate at work.

He is on vacation for the next two weeks, as is my family, so it would be the perfect fucking time to commit suicide except that I’m not suicidal. I don’t think I have anything to live for, but I’m not in the headspace where I can just off myself.

I didn’t take my meds last night or this morning, and I’m so tempted to just stop taking them until I feel shitty enough to do it, but I’m pretty sure that would lead to withdrawal symptoms and totally stopping functioning at work faster than I would actually arrive at the end game, and then I just will have fucked everything up.

I’m basically waiting until this winter, when I really think that I’m going to get depressed again, and I’m going to get depressed enough to do it. Certainly lonely enough to do it.

It’s now been 3 1/2 years since I’ve had a significant other. Or anything beyond a first and last quick coffee date with a handshake or a quick A-frame hug at the end. I’ve booked a professional cuddler for four months from now, if I actually managed to make a trip 4 months from now. It’s barely 4 months since I got out of the hospital, and I can’t imagine another four full months until I have something to look forward to. And then after those two days, then what?

I imagine what kind of conversations people in the other apartments in my building are having. Just “hi, how was your day?” Or asking by text if they could pick up milk on the way home from work. Or just sitting on the couch and cuddling. I miss that so badly it’s making me tear up to think about it.

My entire human contact is going to work in the morning, and I say good morning, and my officemates say how are you and I say fine, how are you? And they say fine. And then at the end of the day they pack up their stuff and say see you tomorrow, and I say OK, have a good night! And then I come home. Alone. To an empty house. An empty couch. An empty bed.

There’s no real reason to have hopes that that will change. All of my Facebook friends and acquaintances and people at work too, who had broken up with or divorced their partners have found new partners now. Like, solid new partners and have been married for years, or moved in together, or are buying a house together. I literally don’t know anyone who’s been alone for four years by choice.

If there something about me that makes me unattractive or unlikable, I can’t change it now. I see women who are fatter than me, poorer than me, less educated than me, it doesn’t matter.

I mean, I have the occasional coffee or a phone date or Skype date with an old friend where I actually feel like a human, and somebody recognizes that I exist, but then on the day-to-day I just feel, I don’t know, like I’d be better off dead.

So then I come around to how I don’t want to live another four months like this. I certainly can’t live another four decades like this. So if I’m sad enough to think about stopping taking my medication so that I can be sad enough to actually do it, does that mean I am actually suicidal even though I’m not suicidal enough to commit suicide?

How much drugs does it take?

I’ve had a migraine all day. I had one yesterday and forced myself to go out and take care of a few errands. Today I just stayed in bed.

So an hour ago I took a steroid, 2 mg of hydromorphone, a tiny bit of mushrooms, and some pot. Nothing really seems to be happening. I mean, my head hurts less, but I don’t want to be awake right now. I don’t want to deal with being awake, just want to pass out. So I took two more Hydromorphone. And another little bit of pot. And a sleeping pill. I’m gonna take a Benadryl now and hope it is the icing on the cake.

I just ordered some chocolate brownie flavoured protein powder online hoping that will help with the whole using food as a self soothing thing, because pure carbs are pretty much all I actually feel like eating. Buttered toast, chocolate bars, cereal and milk. So since I’ve been trying to have one healthy shake a day maybe the chocolate will cover up the greens powder and complement all the fruit.

Cry

I got a migraine after lunch and took 1/4 of the new opioid, which knocked me for a loop. So I went down and slept in the back of my car in the Parkade; I’d put a pillow down there for times just like this. It’s gone now, the migraine, but I didn’t really put a full day of work in.

I got to see my psychologist today…

I cried pretty hard at him because I felt like for a month or so after I got out of the hospital, I still wished I was dead and then for a few weeks or so I was reconciled with being here and started checking out things that I wanted to do, like go back to a fitness class and practice music and take a course or a workshop or something, but then when May came around the migraines came around too so it’s really been nothing but work and migraines (“just survival”, my psychologist said) for the last seven weeks.

I think the question of how much we can choose to form our thoughts a certain way and how much our thoughts are formed by our condition is a chicken and egg question…

I totally wept at my psychiatrist on Tuesday, and explained that I had done the basic household stuff of laundry etc. on Saturday, and I had thought that if I felt OK on Sunday I could do some of the nice to do things, like wash my make up brushes. Then Sunday I had a migraine, and so I didn’t – couldn’t – wash the make up brushes. And not being able to go on holidays was one thing, I cried at him, but not being able to wash my make up brushes was another.

And I know that if I just wash the make up brushes, instead of crying for half an hour about how I couldn’t I wash them sooner, that would seem to make sense, but it’s just a a deep deep sorrow and heartbroken grief and loss; and then I’m crying not just because my make up brushes are dirty but because if I can’t even look forward to such a small thing what is there, and the future and the idea of having years like this ahead feels so despairing and hopeless that it’s overwhelming.

it’s a lot easier for me to get behind the idea and the experience that we live in a world with some kind of universal God or Goddess energy, and that can manifest in crystals and herbs, and that you can get attuned and grounded to your own energy from a Reiki session, than that I’m supposed to pray to an all-powerful God who loves me and cares for me, even though I don’t feel it and I don’t see it and it doesn’t make any difference to me, and praying makes me feel worse, when holding crystals makes me feel better. Maybe that means that I just have terrible faith. I don’t know.

Got through Thursday

So the payday tomorrow is going to be my lowest pay (all deductions plus no extra work) so I thought it would be good to base a budget on. Bad idea. I added up my bills and rent and came up with the figure of 91 cents left over. Before cat food or groceries or gas. Just bills. Fuck me!

So I started crying, and I’d already gotten teary at the end of the day at work. I managed to shower, which is a Herculean task, and then I feel shitty because it was so hard to do. Now it’s bedtime, thank God.

Where is the dopamine?

It looks like I’m sliding into crying all the time again. Friday at work I started crying because of a work conference I had decided not to go to because I was scared I would get a migraine. I went down to the Parkade, thinking I would cry in the backseat of my car, but I forgot my car keys. By this time I was already crying hard, so I didn’t want to go back upstairs to get them. I called the employee assistance program, thinking that maybe there was an off chance that they would have an opening for a counselling appointment. They didn’t, but the gal who answered the phone thought that I sounded so upset that she patched me through to a social worker who was on crisis duty. He was very nice, and said that he could barely understand me between the echo of the Parkade and how hard I was crying. He recommended that I just give up and go home, and give work another try on Monday.

So Saturday I was OK. I did some laundry, and some dishes, and cleaned the bathroom, and I totally thought to myself that if I didn’t have a migraine on Sunday, I could wash my make up brushes and do a bunch of things that were sort of on my to do list but not really urgent. Of course I had a migraine on Sunday, so that was the end of that.

The migraine extended into yesterday, so I ended up not getting into work until 11 and then leaving at 4:30. That’s totally more like half a day then a day, but if I stay there I would’ve just been physically there but  unproductive. 

So that brings us to today, where I went to the hospital for ketamine. I started crying after the infusion had begun, and I can’t even really point to a specific reason. I just felt desolate, and kept thinking of poems like 

Come to me in my dreams, and then by day I shall be well again. 

For so the night will more than pay the hopeless longing of the day.

And then I got upset about thinking how the day was filled with hopeless longing. I guess about halfway through the infusion I started to feel better, in the sense that you read about ketamine being used for really acute depression, and then manage to have a bit of a nap afterwards. Then I headed to my psychiatrist, where I started crying basically right away and explained to him that it was one thing to not be able to go to a work conference, but that I didn’t even get to wash my make up brushes, boo-hoo hoo. 

So he increased my meds and gave me a prescription. I took the bus to the pharmacy to find out that they had to order one of the drugs in, so then I took an Uber home and had a shower, because by that time I was just feeling red-faced and wrung out. Then I headed into work, not getting there until 2:30 and leaving at 7 because a colossal thunderstorm started and I was worried that I was going to be having trouble driving if I waited much longer. 

So now here we are, I’m heading into the middle of the week and I don’t feel like I have any of my shit together at all. My skin is horrible, with huge fucking zits because I’ve been eating chocolate and cornflakes with sugar and not much else. I had bought some pierogies, and I think the sour cream I bought to go with them is expired. Because apparently boiling water to put perogies in is too much cooking for me to manage. So that’s pretty pathetic. I think that I should buy some bag salads or something, but I don’t feel like fucking bag salads. I feel like cinnamon toast with warm milk, and candy bars, and waffles with syrup, and always comforting high carb things.

Anyway, I’m not really feeling too hopeful at the moment. My brain has all kinds of drugs being thrown on it, and it just devoured them all and then shit kicks my neurotransmitters anyway. I’m still averaging 2/3 of my time with migraines, which is depressing in and of itself. At least I have a counselling appointment for this Friday, only two days away.

Fuck to the yes!!

I haven’t gotten a chance to post about my doctors appointment on Monday. It went fucking fantastic. When I was at my neurologist for Botox, I asked him about trying a different opioid. Not necessarily more, but something different. I’ve been on Percocet for 20 years, and I really don’t think it’s doing much in the painkilling department anymore. He said he didn’t really have any objection, but he’s never prescribed anything other than Percocet so he wasn’t really comfortable. He suggested I go to my family doc, and if my family doctor turned me down, to come back and he would do some research. Which is totally fair.

So I call my family doctor, to find out that he’s out of town on vacation and he has a locum covering for him. So I explain the situation to the receptionist, who’s known me for 15 years, and she suggested I go ahead and come in. So Monday afternoon, I went in. It took like 40 minutes before the actual appointment because they just moved to a new clinic space, and so they were taking everybody’s height and weight which was less than I thought, so that’s good, and entering everybody’s drugs into the computer. I didn’t know the dosage of most of the drugs I was on, and I offered to call the pharmacy and find out, but the nurse or nurses aide or whoever said it was fine and they would just reconcile it later.

Anyway, the locum was a young woman and I just explained exactly what I was hoping for. She offered me a stronger dose of OxyContin without the acetaminophen, and I said that I’d taken more Percocet than you are technically supposed to in the past, and I was interested in trying something new. Toradol does nothing for me, and Advil works really well, and they’re both NSAIDS. So it seems reasonable to me that a different drug in the same class might work better for me.

She said that I clearly had a long and refractory history and much as they like to not give opioids out, it seemed appropriate in my case. Then she offered me a referral to a pain clinic I’ve never heard of, where she did her residency, where I guess they do lidocaine and trigger point injections. So I left with a prescription for a summer’s worth of Dilaudid, and a pending referral.

I had a horrible migraine the next day, tied to the weather, so had a chance to try it and it’s amazing. The only problem is that it knocks me right out. Which is OK, I don’t really want to be conscious during a migraine, but it doesn’t mean that I won’t be able to work if I take it.

So I won’t have to buy sketchy drugs off the darknet after all, ha ha.

Two days in the life.

8 am – Leave to catch the bus.
9 am – Arrive at the hospital to get ketamine at nine.
12:15 pm – Allowed to leave (They want you to stay two hours after your treatment ends)
12:30 pm – Catch bus home
1:15-1:45 – Feed cat, and myself
1:45-2:15 – Nap for half an hour (feeling exhausted)
2:20 – Leave for neurologist appointment @2:45
3:10 – Leave neurologist with a face full of Botox
3:15 – drop triplicate prescription off at drugstore
3:20 – drive to work
3:45 – arrive at work
4:00-5:45 – Super important work meeting. Boss asks if I can get the work done by the end of the next day. I say of course.
5:45-5:55 – I had a migraine onset during the meeting, so I need to get on top of it now. Ransack my desk and purse and realize I don’t have any triptans (migraine specific drugs) with me. Shit! Take a Tylenol 3, a stiff shot of CBD extract and start drinking a Pepsi.
6:00 pm – Start working on stuff for Super Important Project Deadline from the meeting. Since I didn’t get to work until almost 4 o’clock, I’m going to have to stay here all night. Besides, the idea that I could wake up with a migraine tomorrow and not be able to make it into work is stressful, so I want to try and finish this tonight.
6:30 – Symptoms getting worse. Give myself a needle full of Gravol.
6:45 – So drowsy! I start drinking a Pepsi.
11:55 pm – I’m done my work, hallelujah!
12:15 am – Stop at pharmacy to pick up prescriptions.
12:30 am – Arrive home. Check email, get into bed and try to unwind.
1:30 am – Fall asleep

Wednesday:
10:00 am – finally manage to wake up after multiple alarms. Soooo tired.
10:45 am – I gotta have a shower.
11:25 am – Leave for 12:00 pm massage appointment.
12:00 pm – The Botox made a noticeable difference. My face and head are much more relaxed, but my neck shoulders and upper back are a crunchy mess. The massage is more painful than relaxing, but I know it will feel better later on.
1:30 pm – Arrive at work and stop for a flat white (2 shots espresso) on the way.
1:35 pm – Arrive at my desk. Take 2 Dexedrine and hope it will help me be alert.
2:35 pm – Call to reschedule my 4:00 pm doctor’s appointment. The idea of driving to it and it eating up work time is stressing me out.
6:00 pm – I should be working until 8:30 at least but I’m just tired and fried.
7:30 pm – Give up and go home. It’s just been “presenteeism” for the last couple of hours anyway.
8:00-9:00 pm – Pay bills, look up upcoming pay dates, update budget
9:00-9:51 pm – Organize and refill meds, so I have some in my purse, some for at work and some for at home.
9:51-10:15 pm – Eat something.

So… where is the time for fun? Or housecleaning? Or cooking and packing lunches? Or socializing? I thought maybe if I kept a diary I’d see where the time was going, but it sems like it is work, migraine, or doctor’s appointments 24/7. I think having chronic migraines in the summer is depressing in and of itself.

Some progress.

I saw my neurologist today and got my Botox injections (finally). I asked him what he thought about the steroids and he thought 50 mg was enough to use one time to knock a migraine out, that they didn’t have to be “stepped down” at 60/40/20 over a few days like I’d read. So he prescribed me some more prednisone. That’s fine.

Then I asked about a different opioid. He said Percocet was the strongest he prescribed and I said “not stronger necessarily, different” and he said that he actually never prescribed anything other than Percocet so he had no problem with my having Dilaudid (I mentioned they came in 1 mg which would be less than a single Percocet) but could I ask my family doctor for it, and if he (GP) said no he would do a little research.

So I called my GP’s clinic and found that my GP is actually away and there’s a “really good” doc covering for him. I told the receptionist, who has known me for 15 years now, that I needed a prescription that my neurologist had no problem with me having but wasn’t used to prescribing himself, and she didn’t think it would be a problem. So I’m going there tomorrow for that.

In the meanwhile once I got back to work I started having a truly massive headache and realized that I didn’t have ANY triptans with me or in my desk – not a Frova or a Zomig to be found anywhere – so took some CBD extract, an Advil, a Tylenol-3 and a needle full of Gravol. I could technically work from home but I’m afraid I’ll only sleep because my head hurts so much. Wish me luck.