Aaaand losing weight again.

For the first couple of weeks home from the hospital I was trying to keep my weight stable, thinking that I “needed” the energy from eating to cope with work and trying not to screw up my metabolism.

Well, I don’t notice any difference if I eat or don’t eat, so now I’m not pushing myself and the scale is moving down. I have managed to start eating a bowl of fruit and yogurt and granola each day along with my protein shake and latte. Mostly because it requires no cooking at all and I have a bunch of Costco frozen fruit in the freezer. Vegetables, not so much because you can’t let them just thaw and then eat them – they’re gross.

Thursday’s group at the hospital was Ask-The-Dietitian time and so I threw out the question of not being hungry and totally not being motivated to fix anything anyway, so what to do.  The dietitian was the same one as in the hospital and replied that cheese and crackers with some carrot sticks or something was actually a good balance of carbs, protein, and veggies which is practical. People in the group started giving me recipes for one-pan dinners (e.g. just cut up some potatoes and veggies, put chicken on top, cover with Stove Top stuffing and bake) and I was like “you people are not listening to me, I haven’t even bought eggs since December because I can’t get it together enough to cook them.”  Funny to see what people think is “easy.”

I’m kind of shitting myself over work, and procrastinating heading there now. We’re doing a publication, which is a horrific variety of an academic group work project, and I have been waiting for this one guy’s lit review that he’s had the papers for since literally August.  He gave me his first version which was so filled with mistakes it was useless in October, so I was like “yeah, maybe it would be easier if you just gave this another shot keeping in mind these tricky (totally not tricky if you spent five minutes reading the paper you moron) points!”

Then my boss was all like “Omg, you have to come back to work now, or you won’t have a job”, so I came back under duress in February, and like the day I was back mid-February I had a phone call with this guy to go over all the fuckups that he hadn’t done anything about since October. Meanwhile my boss has been like “So, is the project wrapping up?” and I was like “No. Not wrapping up. I don’t even have data from This Guy yet, from August, but everyone else has turned theirs around within a week.”  Then the next day he comes to ask if we’re making good progress and wrapping up, and I’m like NO, I’m STILL waiting on That Guy’s data.

Apparently the original deadline was the end of March, which was not unreasonable considering we had intended to get the lit review done by the end of November, but now that it isn’t done, even today, I can’t just singlehandedly do the rest of it in a week. Anyway my boss must have called That Guy, who he is being diplomatic with for political/career reasons, and That Guy sent me an email saying he was setting All His Time aside for this Very Important Thing.

All right, good! So Wednesday he sends me his “revisions” and he must have spent all of five minutes on them. I’d sent him an email outlining all the fuckups that we discussed on the phone and we had agreed that he would redo one entire paper but then he hadn’t done it. We were supposed to connect yesterday (Friday) afternoon by phone. I called him twice; he said he was at a restaurant for lunch and at 3:00 emailed me to say he was still having lunch, could we talk Monday.

Meanwhile my boss comes in with his daily “are you finished yet” spiel and I explain to him that what I have got from That Guy is basically all wrong, and that I was now waiting until Monday to connect with him, and Boss says that I should just go over what I  found with him and see if he agrees, instead of trying to make him find the information himself. I tried to point out that him saying “Oh yeah, sounds good” to my data isn’t really what is meant by duplicate review but he clearly doesn’t care about the academic integrity of it, so fuckit – I’ll do whatever he wants.

What is burning me up is that my doctor discharged me so I could get back to work to satisfy him, and now I’m exhausted working from 9-12:30, group & travel from 12:30 – 3:30, work from 3:30 – 8 or 9 pm plus coming in  on the weekends (what I am procrastinating on now) to make up for my ketamine treatment hospital days. And now I’ve been at work a month – a MONTH – and the project is no further ahead because That Guy isn’t doing his share, so I could have just continued on my doctor’s timeline and it wouldn’t have made any difference.

My boss clearly wants to blame me, though, so I’m going to have to progress tactfully – I can’t just say “We are behind because of That Guy, not because of me,” because he doesn’t want to hear it. So I guess something like “I completely understand the urgency to get this completed. If you have any feedback on how I could have been more efficient in this process I’d be very happy to hear it” might be appropriate?  I thought about creating a log showing that I’ve had <1 day turnaround for everything given to me, and that the delays are all that stuff hasn’t been given to me, but if Boss wants to screw me over he can and will, and all the documentation in the world won’t change that.






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