I think that I’m not going to be able to keep this up, is what I think. I made it to work 2 days in a row this week (yesterday and today) and I was crying at the end of both days. Doing 5 days a week… more than that, because I have to go get ketamine for half a day every two weeks and so I have to make the time up if I want to get paid; I have to see my neurologist Monday afternoon, my psychiatrist wants me in every week, and I feel like he already knows I will fail and is just waiting for it to happen so he can be like “OK, now you can be on unemployment and have some time to sort this stuff out.”
I fucking regret so hard being certified last month. Obviously I was running at a deficit because I’d shown up in jeans and a hoodie with no shower, planning to go to work right after (hoodie and jeans do not equal business casual) and announced that I was ready to rumble because now it was after Christmas, and I really thought he’d say “Oh, let’s try some more things first” and write out a prescription and that would be that. I want to know, is it just that I said I had a date picked out, or was it how I was coming across, or what? I don’t want to make that mistake a second time but I need to keep functioning until I… decide not to.