So I had a phone call last night with Beth, where she said that “life is just hard… for everybody” and reminded me that at least I had a job now (as long as I can hold it together at least) and in the past I was depressed and didn’t have a job. The implication was, couldn’t I be thankful for my blessings, or less depressed, because there are people worse off than me, etc. etc.
I found this great article this morning and sent it to her:
Having feelings about negative circumstances equals being depressed. Having horrible, persistent feelings that external circumstances really don’t affect all that much is having depression.
I really hope she is able to understand it. I know she has never been depressed, and I know she really does care and wants to help. It just seems like her attempts make me feel unheard or misunderstood.
Like last night, for example, I explained how I’d started cleaning my study at home (2nd bedroom that is set up as an office) and have already got a full carload of stuff to take to the Goodwill. Like an entire box of hardback cookbooks – yep, let’s just put those in the Donate pile. I’m not even eating now, and it doesn’t look like I’ll ever have anyone to cook for, so what’s the fucking point? I feel like I can let go of them without attachment or regret.
But then, that’s a scary feeling because I feel like I don’t know where to stop. Everything in my house, basically, is equipment for a life that is never going to happen. For a partner that doesn’t exist, for hobbies I no longer enjoy, for a lifestyle I am never going to be able to have. So why not just back a dumpster up to the door and say the hell with it, and shovel my entire life into it?
Anyway, back to Beth – she was like “Oh yeah I recycled a couple of cooking magazines last week…” and like NO, you aren’t relating to me right now. I am saying that I bought and loved these books and moved and carried them across the country three times and now they seem totally useless, which would be okay if I’d outgrown them or developed new interests but everything has just withered away without anything to replace it.