Didn’t want to come, don’t want to leave.

I made it back to the hospital around 5:30 last night. I’d missed the bus I intended to catch by 30 seconds but waited for the next one because I thought if I went back inside the house I would have trouble leaving again.

I saw my psychiatrist this morning and he asked how the return-to-work note was received. I said my boss was happy to hear it so I was going to try going in to work Friday afternoon. Then he asked if I was willing to try some group therapy and I asked what he had in mind.  He suggested the outpatient program through the hospital which sounds like it would be 1-2 hours a day either in the morning or afternoon. I agreed in principle at the time but I don’t think it is going to be doable. I think my psychiatrist thinks that I will ramp up to work gradually and I think I’ll basically be going for half days 3 times next week and maybe 5 half days the week after that followed by full-time.  Since I was only working a 0.8 FTE since this spring I think working full-time will be all I can manage.

I didn’t get into that, however, because he then said he was thinking about discharging me on Thursday. “Thursday?!” I shrieked. “What if things go tits-up at work on Friday and I have to go home to an empty house?” I seriously thought I would be coming back Friday night for sure.

He explained how he likes to get people out of the hospital fast so they don’t get institutionalized, which is fair, and said it’s hard to go from the hospital to work. I think it will be harder to go from work to home, alone, for the weekend, expected to return on Monday, when I just had my first weekend home this weekend.  

Maybe it doesn’t make a difference, though. I really, really don’t expect this to be successful. I think I did over the weekend… but when I got back to the hospital last night I tried a puzzle out of one of those puzzle magazines- you start with a phrase and then follow 16 steps to turn it into a different, surprise phrase.  The directions are things like “Swap the R and the U” and “Add an I to the right of the L.”  Nothing too crazy or complicated.

Well, I’m on my 7th time of doing the fucking thing and I have turned out 6 answers of gibberish so far. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with my brain but I’m terrified of going back to work and having to actually concentrate when I can’t do a word puzzle. But there’s no avoiding it; I have to try.

The nurse just came in and asked how my morning group (which talked about taking time for hobbies and to have fun) went. I started to cry at her and she was pretty much like “well, keep up the good work” and left.

I really don’t think this is going to work. And my ability to immediately self-annihilate has been medicated out of me. I suspect it will return.

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