I can’t afford to be depressed.

This is going to be a quickie, because I’m in the last hour of a day pass and have to get back to the hospital.

I asked my doctor this morning how long it would be before he decided whether this new drug regime was working and he said 3-4 weeks, “but I might not have to be in the hospital that whole time.”

So I went to work to talk to my boss in person, because I was worried I would cry on the phone and that I would make assumptions when I couldn’t see his facial expression. Before this he had been like “Your health comes first!”, and then that turned into “…Any idea of possible return dates to work?” and then today he was like “Another MONTH? Aren’t you feeling any better?” not in a jerk way, but in a way that made it clear that he thought it would be a matter of a few more days at maximum.

So then he said that he wouldn’t give me an answer on how long he could actually hold the job open for me, because he didn’t think that would be helpful, but “the sooner the better” and he wondered if I could start even a few hours a week because I was coordinating all these projects and now they’re kind of hung up because of me.  Then he said that now that he was aware that I might be absent from time to time, that he could get someone else to coordinate from now on (basically a demotion in duties because I’m unreliable.)

I can’t lose this job to depression; it would be the 3rd in a row and I just can’t go through that again. So I’m going to have to tell the psychiatrist tomorrow morning that I have to go back to work and see how much license he’ll allow me.  I’m so stressed.  I wanted to cut myself with something properly sharp for once just to release some of the tension and I cannot find my Exacto knives.  Aaaugh!

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