I tried going out today and it was pretty much a disaster. I’d parked my car at a friend’s (acquaintance?) condo because I can’t afford to park at the hospital. So I walked to where I thought she lived, which took ages and there wasn’t a proper sidewalk because I was walking by a main road.
So I turn off the main road to the residential area, which has all curved roads and cul-de-sacs, and I’m using Google Maps on my phone to try to find her address, and I reach the set of condos and my car isn’t there. So I follow Google Maps some more and it takes me in a giant circle. The wind is ass-biting cold and I was only in a hoodie. So then I start wondering what the fuck I am going to do if I can’t find this, or if my car got stolen, or if I’m just going to have to Uber back to the hospital or what. As it turns out there is an identical set of condos (the right ones) a couple of blocks away but because they weren’t “straight” blocks I didn’t find them until I’d been walking for an hour and a half. With only a cup of milk for breakfast mind you. (I’m not a breakfast person, I left my tray untouched on purpose, but I didn’t have the energy to walk that far.)
So, finally at the car, I couldn’t find my GPS and there was Pepsi spots everywhere from when I had packed a can to take to work for lunch, circa January 11, and it froze overnight and exploded.
I headed to work to cancel my parking pass for February as they had said on the phone if I brought in the dash card before the end of the month they wouldn’t charge me for the next. So when I got there, that turned into how I needed to cancel 6 working days before the end of the month and so the payment was going to be automatically withdrawn with no way to stop it. (It will… eventually… be refunded. Weeks, the gal said it would take.)
So I didn’t have the heart to go home — I thought for sure if I did I wouldn’t have the energy to get back. So I just came right on back to the hospital, covered in failure after 3 hours.
My “regular” psychiatrist was back today and saw me with a resident. Of course he wanted to know how I was and I said that I was totally losing perspective. He discussed a bunch of med changes and I was like yeah, I dunno… and then went off a bit on him and he explained to the resident how I got angry with him because I thought my life being hopeless was a fact, and he thought it was the depression talking. Then we talked about life in the hospital and I said that if I stayed in bed the nurses bugged me, but if I went to groups I cried. So he gave me day passes for all of the non-treatment days.
I’m going to have to move my car from where I abandoned it, and I would be happy to spend the time at home, but getting there and back is such a pain that I don’t know what to do. Everyone else gets rides from someone but I don’t really have anyone to get a ride from, and I can’t afford to Uber or taxi. I could take the bus but that’s an hour-long trip with a transfer, and I don’t know the route well since I never take the bus out here, so it stresses me out. I don’t know.
I’m farther away from the ledge than I was three weeks ago, in that I don’t think I would have the stone-cold balls to just put my sober neck in a noose right this minute. On the other hand, I think I will regret it if I don’t, and despise myself for lacking a few seconds of courage to to prevent weeks/months/years of suffering.
The nurses all like to point out exceptions to the rule, or be all hopeful and possible, but even if what they are pointing out was true, it’s not enough to build a life on.