I got a day pass today, the first time they’ve allowed me to leave the hospital all by myself. At first I promised that I wouldn’t try to kill myself today and then they upped it to “come back without harming myself in any way.” I don’t want to go back; I still have four hours left. They made it really plain that they would absolutely get the police to come pick me up if I didn’t show up on time.
I was tempted to watch The Hours but chose The Fountain instead; it’s kind of nonlinear so it doesn’t really matter that I am not paying steady attention. I don’t know what else to say; “I don’t want to go back” is the only thing I can think of.