Rate your mood.

So they ask you to do two questionnaires every day you get treatment; before you get treatment and then again two hours later.  My answers are pretty much identical I think. I worry that if I wasn’t depressed, I wouldn’t be able to tell.  How do I KNOW I’m depressed? Maybe I am not-depressed and just don’t know it!  My nurse this morning said “Oh no, you’re depressed all right!”  just as a friend did on the phone last week

And I guess that’s true, since I’m still racking up a one-hour sobbing episode every other day or so. Today it was because my nurse asked me how my cat was (as I had seen him on the visit home yesterday.)

Fifteen minutes later I was wailing on the bed because the old cat loved me but the new cat doesn’t even love me and that going home was just confirming for me – “See?  See the life that isn’t worth living? Yep. Here it is, right here. Still not worth living.”

So she talked to me about how I feel this way because I’m depressed, and I’ve been depressed for a long time, and depression does all these things to my mood and my energy and my thoughts, and that’s why I’m here, and why I should stay here until I’m well.  And I don’t think I would still be making it to work, to be honest. I still cringe when I think the only reason I had comfy clothes to wear in the hospital – jeans, a hoodie, and sneakers – was because that was what I’d managed to get on for work. Work is “business casual” but really, that is stretching it.


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