Went home on pass – short version.

It ended up being 4 hours (5 total, but there was driving time.) “Accompanied”, so someone had to pick me up, stay with me the whole time and drop me off.

The cat seems fine; I bought him more food, did a load of laundry, bought a notebook, some travel containers for shampoo and conditioner, and emery boards at Dollarama.

I managed to download some e-magazines on my iPad (faster Wi-Fi at home), check the mail, take out the garbage and recycling and so overall it was a successful trip, in terms of productivity.

When I got back a nurse had to search my things and then she decided we were going to have a Therapeutic Moment. I was so not in the right space for that, being tired and sad, and she wouldn’t let it go. It got out of control pretty quickly.

She asked me a bunch of questions, that made me teary, about what going home was like and I said “well, there is the life I don’t want to live – all of it.” So then she talked about looking at what we could change, and asking me what I wanted, and becoming the person other people would be attracted to. So I said I have done my best, and she said I was not open to the conversation because I wouldn’t tell her what I wanted.

I tried to explain it was a circular argument because I feel I’ve tried my best and my best is all I have and I just don’t want to start over again. I tried to say I was sorry, I didn’t understand what she was getting at or what she wanted from me and she didn’t like that either.

So it ended with a mini-lecture about how I should eat even though I wasn’t hungry, and feed my brain. And get into a “routine” of showering and a routine generally.

I get the feeling that if I said I wanted such-and-so she would have suggested an Action Plan of Things I Can Do to change my life…and I’m tired and sad from being home 4 hours; I don’t have the energy to try to plan a New Me to attract a New Life.

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