alone in my aloneness

So. You know how all the depression and anti-suicide stuff says “Your death would hurt so look many people, you don’t even realize it! Yeah, I call bullshit. I do have a very few tried-and-true friends on the other side of the country or in another country altogether. But here? It’s looking like no one. Truly no one.

I texted my sister – and I knew this was a bad idea! I knew what would happen! I mean, I know as a cognitive fact that my family isn’t there for me. Then I become idiotically hopeful, like some kind of retarded puppy that bounds up to you every single time even though she always gets kicked, never petted.

Somehow I think “but if I really REALLY needed them they’d pull through for me.” So I texted my sister, said I was in the hospital – and that I’d been certified – getting ketamine for my depression, and maybe she could come up on the weekend, I could get an accompanied pass or something?

Four hours went by. I knew she had seen it. I knew why she wasn’t replying. So I followed up with another text, “Oh nvm, a friend of mine is on it” and she immediately replied that was great, because she was so busy she wasn’t  sure how  she would get anything done.

So what that boils down to is, despite having lived in this area for 10+ years, there is literally no one I can call on at a time like this, to say “I need you. Please come.” 

And the answer isn’t to just start from scratch because I have done those things already!! I joined clubs! Meetups! A church! and it was a pretty heavy investment of time for no return. 

So, I’m sad.


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