Something Scared Me.

So I was rousted out of bed and given my morning meds and told to get my breakfast and get ready as I would be having ketamine this morning.

So I got up and got dressed and went back to my bed to put away my dirty clothes, and suddenly I heard a familiar voice. Talking to the woman in the bed across from me. Introducing herself… oh God, it IS who I think it is… someone I’ve known professionally my whole time in Edmonton.

We used to be friends… I had pretty much written her off because she knew I’d been on leave for depression way back when, and made a comment about how she wasn’t sure if I would have wanted to be contacted, and I said please do – that if it wasn’t a great day for me I would just not answer right away. 

Then it turned into me always taking the initiative and we drifted farther apart. Of course she now has a career and a house and a husband while I have been losing more and more all along.

The last time we connected was in the summer, June I think, and I  said I’d love to stay in touch and have a coffee another time. She said oh yes, that sounded great, and she was pretty booked up for the next few weeks but August would work.

Then I never heard from her again, until suddenly today here she was! I was lying on my side facing the “outside” (doorway) and rolled onto my tummy and covered my head with a pillow.

Eventually she left, and my nurse of the day came in so I stuck my head out long enough to ask her to close my curtain. She asked if I wanted her on the inside or outside of it, and I waved her inside, then proceeded to burst into big gasping shaky sobs.

I don’t think she could understand what I was saying at first but I managed to get it out, that she was here and I was here and I wasn’t supposed to be here and I didn’t want her to seeeee meeeeee.

The nurse said she would mark my file (I forget the details), that she didn’t think she had seen me, as if people did they generally found that person’s nurse. Then she sat with me to try to get me to deep breathe and stop hyperventilating.

That worked OK; I did a couple guided anxiety meditations from my iPad, then I saw my psychiatrist  (substitute) and told him what had happened. He was basically just like “hang in there, let’s see how the Ketamine works.” So now I’m waiting for that.

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