Oh, RATS! I just got an email from the EAP guy saying that he has to cancel tonight as he is ill. I was counting on this appointment. I was looking forward to it. I wanted to get my thoughts together before my psychiatrist appointment Wednesday morning, but I guess I won’t be able to.
I just went down to the parkade for my lunch. I put a bunch of pillows and blankets in my backseat and took a spare pair of headphones and just lay down and closed my eyes and didn’t deal with people. The problem is that now I feel totally wiped, like I’m done for the day, but I’ve only worked 5 hours.
It’s really a bizarre feeling to go from at home to work. Like I was crying and a mess, and then I have my Public Face on and am Doing Productive Things. It’s kind of amazing to me that I am not as tearful as I feel – I guess when I look back I have cried most days but I’m not losing it at work on the regular – but maybe I’m comparing this to my worst (when I went back to work still seriously depressed after a long-term disability leave because the insurance company’s binder said it took X weeks to recover from depression and I’d been off for X weeks.) It goes back to how I don’t feel like I have a sense of perspective anymore, and how I live too much in my own head to get one.