Agitated

I’m feelng worse and worse. Like my heart actually aches. I measured my rope; I’ll have plenty. Then I stood there literally shaking with temptation. Why wait? I thought. Why not get it over with right NOW? Well, because I’ve picked a date, nd straying from the plan because of desperation is unlikely to end well. So I’ve climbed into bed, fed myself a Xanax and a sleeping pill, and hope to just make it till tomorrow, when I see the EAP counsellor after work. God, I’ve wondered what would happen if the person in the office the last time I was there found out I died before I saw them again. Would they think “But she seemed fine!!” And did I really seem fine, or is the hi-how-are-you-fine-how-are-you so scripted that even suicidal desperation can’t change the tone?

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