When people seem to understand, but don’t.

My coworker – the one remaining who knows what’s going on – asked me if I’d put up a Christmas tree, I said “No… it’s in storage”, but now I think, the fuck you think I put up a Christmas tree? Didn’t you hear anything I said to you up until now? Like, I’m working on sleeping and eating once a day (which has a ways to go) and not crying at work, and maybe keeping up with dishes and laundry for extra bonus points. I’m not even in the same universe as exerting energy decorating for a holiday! 

I had a kind-of weird conversation with my boss yesterday too, and am not sure how to pick up from there. I had backed up all of my work folders to a flash key and left it in his mailbox before Christmas, partly because there have been some IT issues with access on the shared drive, and partly because, let’s be honest, if I killed myself or went into the hospital I didn’t want him to be stuck.

Anyway, after I got to work after the psychiatrist appointment yesterday he asked me how I was doing and said that when I left him the flash key he wondered if I was… leaving. All I could muster was a “Uhhhh, no” and a deer-in-the-headlights stare so after an awkward period of silence he said “Good, good! So just a end-of-year backup then!” and moved on to a couple of questions about work. Thinking about it now, I’m not sure if he meant he thought I would quit the job, or thought I would kill myself?

I feel… strangely… kind of okay. I wonder if I briefly hit the therapeutic range for lithium before it became Too Much – and whether now that I am off if it I am in the therapeutic range again as it clears out of my system. Apparently it takes 5 days and I think I’m on day 3, so we will see if my mood hits the fan over the weekend.

On an unrelated note, I went to check the XOJane website – by Jane Pratt, former editor of my beloved Sassy magazine – and they are apparently shuttering, no thanks to Time Warner who bought them. That made me quite upset! I wasn’t a frequent commenter, mostly because Disqus is such a pain in the ass on an iPad – but was an avid reader. Sad face!


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