I can’t sleep.

i have been trying to sleep for about an hour; no luck. I think it is  partly because I’ve been having nightmares. They aren’t weird or unrealistic dreams, like ones where I accidentally go to work naked or with strange monsters or anything. They’re about things that either have happened to me in the past, or things that could happen.

Last night I dreamed  that I was broke and I had to move, to a shitty cold basement suite where the walls were made out of cinderblocks, and there were mice  everywhere just like in the last place I lived. My old upstairs house mate, that is, the girl who lived in the upstairs suite when I lived on the main floor, told me that the mice are back (for the winter) in my old place. It was truly fucking awful by the end.  I was keeping my dishcloths in Ziploc freezer bags, because if I put them in the cupboards the mice would run around and shit on them during the night. I didn’t move for over two years because I couldn’t find anywhere else  that was affordable. Now there are a lot of places that seem affordable, but since landlords can raise the rent once a year by any amount they please it might not stay that way.  Anyway, I guess where I am is mouse free; it’s just expensive for just me  on my part time research assistant salary.

I am also a little wound up because I know I have to go to the psychiatrist first thing tomorrow morning, and then I have to go to work.  Maybe because I’ve missed the first day back, I won’t get all the “how was your Christmas” type small talk questions.

I sent an email to an acquaintance of mine, also a work friend from a previous job,  who has had depression and gets migraines, but clearly much less severe than mine.  I haven’t seen her since midsummer, when we went out to dinner.  We had tried to make plans for early fall, and then I had to cancel once or twice thanks to migraines. Then I sent her a couple of spontaneous invitations, but she couldn’t come. I think I’m worried that if we get together, she’ll judge me for still being depressed.

Certainly this is been going on for a really long time. Far too long. The thing is though, she’s gone on to have this rich and varied life, and I’ve just kind of had migraines and depression.  She’s taken classes, she’s volunteered, she went to Europe, and I have not.  Really, I could not. I don’t even feel that I can go play in a community orchestra, because  when I did two years ago, I missed rehearsals and didn’t have enough time to practice.  Migraines just make me so fucking unreliable, and the older I get the less able I am to work through them.  It’s like pulling an all nighter when you’re in your 20s versus in your 40s.  The depressing thing about that is that I’m not getting any younger, so it probably isn’t going to get better.

I know I shouldn’t be jealous of other people, and that theoretically  I’m looking at things in a biased way, like how “you compare your blooper reel to everybody else’s highlights” or whatever that saying is.  I just don’t see how my life is paying off, or how it is ever going to change to become better. All of the administrative staff where I work have gone on vacations in the last year, to Europe  or the United States or Mexico. The last time I went anywhere, if memory serves, was in 2009. 2009! Seven going on eight years ago, for Depeche Mode’s Tour of the Universe.  I missed their Delta Machine tour, because I was fucking depressed.  Either I was off work on disability or had been let go after I went back to work, I can’t remember. I had bought tickets to the actual concert and everything.

Now Depeche Mode is touring this year, and they’ll probably be hitting north America this fall, and I probably won’t get to go.  I’m sure the cost to go see them could rapidly approach a thousand dollars.  I need to get a new passport,  passport photos, plane tickets, the concert ticket, somewhere to stay for a night or two, enough saved to cover not working for the time I’m gone if I’m still on contract,  and to have the energy to coordinate all of that.  I’m really not saying that happening. It’s not like I’m going to kill myself because I don’t get to go to a concert, but if my life is such that I can’t even manage to go to a concert, there doesn’t seem to be much point to it.




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