I have the office to myself tomorrow, so I can blast my playlist (albeit with earphones) without worrying that someone is trying to talk to me. Whew.
I ate… a bowl of raisin bran that I took to work and went to the store to get milk. Aaand, I have no interest in supper so I guess that will be it for today.
I’m so stressed about my appointment Wednesday. I can’t imagine it going well. I know his office doesn’t just let it slide if you don’t show up, I have heard them calling people. And, since my Big Dumb Deer-in-the-Headlights brain could only come up with “Uhhh, I don’t know what to say to that; it’s not like it would be a loss to anyone” when he asked “How strong are the suicidal thoughts?” last time, there’s an outside chance they might call the 5-0 to do a wellness check or something. So it’s probably best if I go…
but he wouldn’t be happy with what I said if I were to tell him the truth, and I don’t think I can lie convincingly. What am I going to say? “Oh, yes, I’m feeling just FINE! I bless the wonder of life and the newness of living!” He isn’t an idiot, after all. And I don’t WANT to be made to feel better, thank you. Of course he would say that’s proof of my depression, and then you get into a catch-22 Shutter Island situation, where there is nothing I can say that advances my cause.
So I’ve been racking my brain, basically, and everything I come up with ends up going his way. Only a Sarah Connor “I’m feeling much better now” has a hope of getting me out of there without a long conversation and that didn’t even work for her in the movie
So in 4 days I have to go somewhere I don’t want to be, to see people I don’t like (love maybe but not like) to perform emotions I’m not actually feeling – God almighty!! When was it – the end of November maybe? – that I told him “well, I’m not going to be an asshole and kill myself before Christmas,” so now I am waiting for it to play out. Ugh.