Incredibly anxious about Wednesday’s appointment.

I have the office to myself tomorrow, so I can blast my playlist (albeit with earphones) without worrying that someone is trying to talk to me. Whew.

I ate… a bowl of raisin bran that I took to work and went to the store to get milk. Aaand, I have no interest in supper so I guess that will be it for today.

I’m so stressed about my appointment Wednesday. I can’t imagine it going well. I know his office doesn’t just let it slide if you don’t show up, I have heard them calling people. And, since my Big Dumb Deer-in-the-Headlights brain could only come up with “Uhhh, I don’t know what to say to that; it’s not like it would be a loss to anyone” when he asked “How strong are the suicidal thoughts?” last time, there’s an outside chance they might call the 5-0 to do a wellness check or something. So it’s probably best if I go…

but he wouldn’t be happy with what I said if I were to tell him the truth, and I don’t think I can lie convincingly. What am I going to say? “Oh, yes, I’m feeling just FINE! I bless the wonder of life and the newness of living!” He isn’t an idiot, after all. And I don’t WANT to be made to feel better, thank you. Of course he would say that’s proof of my depression, and then you get into a catch-22 Shutter Island situation, where there is nothing I can say that advances my cause.

So I’ve been racking my brain, basically, and everything I come up with ends up going his way. Only a Sarah Connor “I’m feeling much better now” has a hope of getting me out of there without a long conversation and that didn’t even work for her in the movie :/

So in 4 days I have to go somewhere I don’t want to be, to see people I don’t like (love maybe but not like) to perform emotions I’m not actually feeling – God almighty!! When was it – the end of November maybe? – that I told him “well, I’m not going to be an asshole and kill myself before Christmas,” so now I am waiting for it to play out. Ugh.

 

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One thought on “Incredibly anxious about Wednesday’s appointment.

  1. I see a new therapist this afternoon. I’m dreading it. Starting over. Telling my life story again (with some more complete details this time), trying to gauge the doc’s attitude and experience and approach. Fighting feelings of getting absolutely no where. Certain I should just go it alone. Certain that going it alone isn’t working.

    I want it to work. I want to turn a corner with my depression. But I think I’m so far down the dark road that I won’t be able to.

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