Fuck, fuck, fuck. I should be going to sleep so I can go to work tomorrow but I’m feeling really trapped. I think it might be risky just to blow off my next appointment, and I’m not going to become any better at lying convincingly over the next week (“Oh, fine! Yes, feeling much better now!”) and I just don’t want to have that discussion and there is no way to avoid it. Fuck!! I was committed to giving things my best shot, so did the best I could to be honest and compliant and what not, but I should have pulled back a couple of weeks ago.
Aaugh, I am so mad at my past self right now. I just didn’t have enough fucking game face in my last appointment and I’ve never been the best at thinking on the spot and as soon as I was like deer-in-the-headlights “Uhhhh, I don’t know what to say to that” when he said “how strong are the suicidal thoughts” the jig was basically up. Very tricky, that; I was prepared for a yes/no answer (“Are you still having suicidal thoughts?”) and he tricked me with a “are you still beating your wife” type question.