Pressure on the brain

Ow, my head hurts. I made a legit effort to get up and wash my face and brush my teeth and thought I was going to make it to work (albeit by 1 pm) but I soon realized that my head was pounding and then it has gotten worse from there. So now I’m in the process of taking a med every half hour, then taking another, till the migraine is tolerable or I’ve gone through them all.

I saw the EAP counsellor last night and (predictably) cried. He is really good at reflecting back how I actually feel which is so valuable, and last night he talked about that explicitly, the need to have my own experience validated. Then he ties things together by talking about hope, and what is making me feel hopeless/giving me enough hope to go on, although I can’t remember exactly what he said.

I do wonder or doubt myself with both migraines and depression, how bad it really is. It’s not like an injury where you can only lift X pounds, or can’t put any weight on it for X weeks. That’s why the whole “crap, I’m crying at work” makes such an impression on me; it’s like a signal that it’s not within my ability to control anymore.

Monday I have my last appointment ever with my private (non-EAP) psychologist. I have been seeing her for over ten years and now that it is actually this close I’m feeling quite panicky about it. She told me in the summer so I have known, but now I’m actually there. I plan to talk with her about how I start over with someone else (the EAP only offers short-term so my psychologist has given me some referral names.) What, or how much do I tell them? Should I rattle off my history as if I am presenting a case, or just take it as it comds and let it unfold naturally? I was tempted to try and book one more appointment, for the following week, but that would just be putting off the inevitable.

Update: Holy crap, I miscalculated on the migraine meds. I ended up taking an Amerge, a Tylenol-3, an Advil, a Percocet, some medical marijuana, some chlorpromazine, and another Percocet in half hour intervals over the course of 3 hours. Nothing happened until an hour after the last, when they all hit at once. I feel woozy!

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