The coworker who saw me crying last week asked how I was today, and I was able to answer calmly and without bursting into tears, and I’m able to make it through work for a day (as long as my focus holds out) without crying, and so I suppose by some standards I’m doing “better”, or at least better than I have done in past episodes.
The problem with this? I don’t want to be medicated into a life that isn’t actually worth living, too “ok” to die but too sad to want to live. I really don’t. This is where I come back to stopping my medication right after Christmas, so as my mood slides I can catch that critical moment where mood and energy intersect to make it possible to act.
I suppose I’m feeling stressed out about the psychiatrist appointment next Monday. I respect him, I don’t want to bullshit him. I know that the more specific the plan and greater the preparation, the more risk you are assumed to be at. The thing is, that I’m tired of trying. I don’t believe my life will get better in the ways that matter to me. If I lived until my grandmother’s age (92) I would have somewhere between 3600 and 5000 migraine days during the rest of my life. That’s a lot of pain to suffer through.
I don’t want to go through life alone, either, and I’ve done my best to meet people. I tried all of the dating sites, I’ve gone to Meetups, I joined clubs and volunteered. Clearly I can’t control whether or not relationships happen.
What I really feel is that I’d rather be assured that I’ll never suffer more pain, and gladly sacrifice the chance that I might experience not-pain in the future. I have done my best and to me that’s the end of the story – that’s all I have, that’s all I can do, so finis, already!
I also read about ketamine on the Ketamine Advocacy Network website, and it sounds like ketamine doesn’t actually improve your mood per se – it improves your functioning and so people notice that now they are able to shower every day, keep up with chores, etc., and so then your mood improves. But my functioning is OK now – I’m still working – so what’s the point? I’m much more capable of keeping up with dishes than I have been in previous depression episodes, but that isn’t making me feel like life is worth living. So I’m pretty reluctant to bother giving it a try at this point, and am kind of annoyed that my psychiatrist has me on this short leash by prescribing 10 days of medication at a time, so I have to go back and see him to get enough to get through Christmas.
That’s where the Circular Argument comes in… do I think that my life isn’t worth living just because I’m depressed, so if I wasn’t depressed would I change my mind? Could this be an actual rational response to what my life is like? More to the point, could any psychiatrist accept my feelings as a rational response, or would it always seem like “textbook depression”?