Down memory lane.

I’m watching “Someone Like You” (the 2001 Hugh Jackman/Ashley Judd movie). I saw it with my sister in the theatre. I guess that was 15 and a half years ago, according to IMDB. I was happier then… it makes me sad to watch. Remembering how I felt then, when I was truly optimistic about the future; when I believed that if I tried hard enough for long enough, I could create the life I wanted.

So much is different in the movie, from my life  – Ashley’s sister goes to the hospital and Ashley goes right there with flowers, climbing right on the bed to stroke her hair. I got a phone call every couple weeks.  Ashley has a best girlfriend who goes out with her, shares things with her, calls her on the regular.  Ashley dates, and gets dumped by, a succession of guys; I’ve now been single for nearly 3 years.

I get that my life isn’t a movie, but I am increasingly certain that it will never get better. I’m getting older, not younger. I’ll become less able to work through migraines as I get older; there is a huge difference just in the last decade. I’ll be less able to do hobbies or activities outside work as a result, and will become more and more alone as friends’ lives branch upward into new, busy, fulfilling, partnered or family or career variants. And me? Working so that I can afford the drugs I need to be able to go to work. A crazy cat lady who life just passed by.  I would never have thought, if I could go back to the me that watched this movie in 2001, that I would be so ill, so alone, so hopeless, and so poor. I worked so hard to ensure, basically, that I would never be here. I did my best, and it didn’t work out for me, so what more is there to do?

 

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