Told the boss.

Welp, I told my boss today and not a moment to soon. I started crying after my first sentence, which was not my plan at all, but he responded like a champ – asking if I needed anything, any changes to my work, etc. I couldn’t think of anything specific — I pretty much just wanted to let him know that it might come to my having to take some time off, and that if he had any concerns about my work to let me know — but trying so hard not to cry (more/louder) was taking so much energy I wasn’t as clear or concise as I had planned in my head. Maybe now that I’ve broken the “tears barrier” it won’t feel so hard in our next meeting.

I’ve been writing a couple of bullet points each day – when did I make it to work, what did I do, how was my mood – and after today I am pretty certain that my energy level is okay (it has certainly been worse in the past) and my mood is worse since I saw the psychiatrist – had to look to see when that was – holy shitballs, that was only a week ago!! And my next appointment isn’t until a week from today! Well, that is a stressful realization.

I was going to say, that I started crying more often a week and a half ago, then I cried at work for the first time last week, and today I cried in the car on the way to work, and at work, and on the way home from work.  My eyeballs felt puffy and looked red all day, actually. And so on the way home today I was thinking how that is a sure sign that this depression is bigger than I am. I have wondered whether I somehow want to be depressed, if I’m so used to it that it is actually more comfortable than being well, or if I do magnify it somehow by, well, I guess what the “why don’t you just…” crowd would call wallowing. But no, just crying over nothing at all at random times and all of these other symptoms, despite doing All the Right Things, is a pretty sure sign that it is my brain’s stupid chemicals to blame.

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