There’s a woman who has been like a mother to me, and she’s an amazing lady. I sent her an e-card for her birthday and she wrote back explaining that she was thinking of me but was “crazy busy”, and signed off by saying “hope that you are doing well”, which sounds nice enough until I realized that it’s quite different than saying “how are you doing?” Now she doesn’t owe me anything – far from it – but I am guessing she will be too busy to chat before the holidays. Which again, she doesn’t owe me! But I’ve tried to be very mindful of not overloading her (well everyone actually) and I would guess it probably averages about 1 call or email a month.
I emailed her after the last psychiatrist visit, saying “oh crap! It’s getting bad again!” and I’m sad to think that she doesn’t have time to chat… I mean, I know the classic suicidal thinking is “everyone would be better off without me” but I think that everyone would actually be largely indifferent to my leaving – after the first shock and grief, I wouldn’t actually leave a dent in the world. Like taking a teaspoon out of the ocean. A phone call every couple of months won’t, after all, be missed.
And so I am crying, and I know if anyone knew that they’d think “well, for God’s sake, don’t sit in the dark thinking how alone you are!” but there is a kind of falseness in the activity, the engagement with the world, that’s prescribed for depression. If you feel your life is pointless and hopeless and lonely and painful, going to a movie is like rolling on asphalt with a sunburn, not a Pleasant Interlude.
I had a frank conversation with my psychologist the last time I saw her, and she said that she’d be very sad if I felt completing suicide was the only answer, but that she would be okay and she would know I was okay. I felt like, having seen me struggle and work for ten years, that she would understand just not being able to go on.
update after several hours of meditation, cute puppy pictures and ruminating: I’m going to try to just get through the month, which is really 3 weeks, and just focus on that.