This morning it was SO HARD to get going. My alarm started going off at 7 and I lay in bed for a whole hour trying to convince myself to get up and go to work and not blow off the whole day. Then I took some Dexedrine and lay in bed for another hour, then I realized that I absolutely had to shower so didn’t make it into work until 10:15.
I don’t know why showering seems so hard when I’m depressed but it always does… getting undressed and getting wet and drying off and getting dressed again… it just seems like so much work. So I basically pulled a wide-tooth comb through my wet hair and went to work, where one of the coworkers I cried at on Wednesday said that I seemed cheery today, or words to that effect. Oh really? Cheery, am I? I mean, up until now she thought I was cheery every day, even though I’ve cried in the car on the way to work and on the way home from work and at therapy in between… I just didn’t know what to say to that.
Basically my office is an open space so I say good morning, and have a good weekend, and maybe talk to this coworker for ten or fifteen minutes in between, and that’s the human interaction for the day. So I’m not particularly impressed with myself that I’m managing that much…
I have a Social Thing planned for tomorrow, to my regret. This is the last one-on-one plan I made from way back when, and I just feel like these things haven’t paid off like they should. I went out to eat with someone in mid-November and all I could see were the sleek couples, with the blonde gals and guys with big watches, and then there was dowdy little single Me. Like going out just gives me a more intense exposure to the life I wish I had but don’t have the control or power to make happen.
It sucks, and I feel like I don’t even want to talk conversationally with anyone who isn’t a trained therapist because I don’t want to hear how “at least I have X” or “You don’t know when you look at so-and-so, they could be Y.” I feel shitty, and I’m sorry, a heavily sarcastic sorry-not-sorry, that I don’t have enough things Wrong with My Life to feel the way I do according to some.