welp, I started crying at work this afternoon – I did go cheerily to the work lunch and maybe that used up my energy – and so am “out” (as being depressed) to two coworkers. That wouldn’t have been my choice, but they were like “Oh my god, what did we say?!” I cried for an hour, I was all puffy-faced and red-eyed.
That scares me. In the past it has gone from crying outside work, to crying at work, to not being able to work because I can’t hold it together. I don’t think it is going to go well to cross my fingers and take a new medication for two weeks and try to hold it together…
Really, this is the beginning of a long, unstoppable slide downhill, and it’s the third time – the last two times I became unable to function at work, took short term disability, and got let go when I returned… and now I don’t even have any disability coverage. All I can do is keep going for as long as I can.
Where I’m supposed to scrape up hope, I can’t imagine; I’m certain my best days are behind me.
Midnight: Feeling like crap about going to work tomorrow. I’m scared it will be harder to keep up my hundred-pound mask of “Good morning! How are you?” when people know it’s a mask. In another sense it is a relief; the seal’s been broken. I guess I will see how it goes.