I told my psychiatrist yesterday, when he asked how strong the suicidal thoughts were, that I was going to try not to ruin Christmas for everyone if I could. I don’t know that holding out until after will be any better, though.
If I manage to keep up An Act while I see people, maybe they’ll wonder whether they “should have been able to tell.” (Of course not, is the answer, but I want to spare as much collateral damage as possible.)
today I slept until 10 am and left at 4 pm. I guess I’ll see how things go over the next few days. My thought yesterday was that I could stop taking my meds altogether to capture the perfect intersection of desire and energy as they wore off. In abstract, the idea of stopping meds that are working because I don’t have quite enough desire to complete suicide when I am on them sounds kinda crazy, I’ll admit…
Postscript: Jesus!! WordPress loaded up my blog from this time a few years ago at the bottom of the page – “Treatment [ECT] #1.” What a lovely reminder. I haven’t gotten any further ahead since then… no partner, no dates even, no steady job, no holidays, et cetera. Now that is depressing!