In November I started to feel Capital-D Depressed. Psychiatrist advised Getting Out More and Doing Fun Things. He spent 45 minutes with me and I left all motivated and actually did a bang-ass job of arranging a ton of things to do and followed through with all of them, but didn’t enjoy them.
That was kind of a scary feeling, like the pit of your stomach dropping, or when your mouth gets hollow and watery before you throw up… in the summer I’d been able to think that things would get better as soon as my migraines settled down. September and part of October were lovely; I got the house put back to rights and felt really good about it and knowing that I had the desire and the energy to keep things up, and that it really was my migraines that had been the reason things got behind.
Then in November, after my appointment, I thought it was reasonable that I was bummed as I hadn’t done anything but work lately, and that I would feel better once I got out and was more active. When I was out, and didn’t feel enjoyment, it was strangely alarming in a way; as if I was looking down at a bone I’d broken without feeling pain…like I know I’m supposed to be feeling something, and it’s just missing. I’m doing The Right Things, and nothing is happening!
I reported back to my psychiatrist and cried during the entire appointment. He wrote me three weeks, no refills, of a new prescription, for a new not-covered $100/month antidepressant (that I’ve now been on a week and a half.)
“Suicidal thoughts?” he asked. Yes, of course I’m having suicidal thoughts, if good things feel like nothing and regular things hurt and bad things feel awful I think it’s probably normal to… so I replied “Uh… 6 out of 10?” between sob-hiccups.
So then he talked about going into the hospital for two weeks of ketamine as a possible next step. “Have you heard of ketamine?” he asked me. “Ketamine?! Like, the street drug??” I said. “Yeah, they call it Special K,” he replied, and explained that apparently it works super fast, like within a couple of hours, and has had good results for bad depression. I had never heard of it having a legit use, but I guess it is popular as a recreational drug (helloooo blog readers who got here that way.) It is dissociative, which frightens me because I’ve had bad acid trips and don’t care to have one again, thank you… and wouldn’t a hospital be a perfect setup for a bad trip?! I also wonder if that is why I’ve read of shrooms for depression… maybe there’s something about psychoactive drugs that makes the brain really happy.
Anyway, I think this new antidepressant is helping a little, in that at least I’m not crying in public, and am getting to work for minimum hours – – there’s a lot going on in my head but I’m too tired (me, the original night owl) to write about it now.