So so fucking lonely.

I deleted a bunch of contacts off of my computer today. There are only a few left. I erased everyone who hasn’t talked to me in 2016 and I have realized that for a depressed person I did a pretty damn good job of holding up my end of social ties – I mailed actual Christmas cards, set up a coffee or lunch date with people once or twice a year, was forthcoming about being depressed but asked about their lives, followed up with what they had told me the last time that we met, and made every effort to be good company… Which has got me nothing at all. If people can not be bothered to drop me a line or do the inviting in an entire year, then we’re not really friends, and I have to face that rather than preening over my seemingly full address book.

I have five left. One in the same city as me. So I really want to go see a movie, and have literally no one to go with, which makes my heart hurt.

I went to an EAP counsellor (a new one as my regular one was booked up for the next few weeks) after becoming teary at work a couple of weeks ago, and I think he misunderstood my migraine history, or shitstory, as the case may be. I’d said how when I was younger I could power through them but now I just didn’t have it in me, and I think he thought that I meant I would retreat the the comfort of bed when I am capable of taking an Advil and continuing on. No, what I really mean is that I used to get up and go to work when I was vomiting-ill – I remember vomiting between customers as a cashier, vomiting and driving at literally the same time, newspaper-lined plastic bag under my chin, vomiting on the street immediately after finishing a job interview. I can’t, won’t, do that now, get out of bed when I’m that ill, for anything but the most extreme circumstance. Nor, do i think, should I be expected to, any more than the average 40-year-old should be expected to cope with the all-nighters they pulled with ease when they were 20.

Anyway, Mr. EAP gave me the old pep talk about how I have to make an effort, get out there, I won’t feel better or meet new people in my house… and I just feel like, dude, I’ve done this before and it DIDN’T WORK. I volunteered for a community organization, joined a music group, joined a church, joined an exercise class and joined a dating site. Despite consistent investment in these for 1-2 years I got exactly zero friends out of them. So why try again?

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/life-of-solitude-a-loneliness-crisis-is-looming/article15573187/?page=all

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3 thoughts on “So so fucking lonely.

  1. Dear one,

    At the age of 40 a friend began to have migraines. She called me at work to say wow, this is what you go through?

    People who don’t get them don’t register how debilitating they are. My heart goes out to you.

    In terms of friends, I can’t tell you what to do, but I know that I’ve rarely made a real friend in less than three or four years. But I have made friends! Mostly in martial arts.

    • Thank you for your kind words! I had been in a karate class previously and often consider going back. Certainly it was my best physical activity experience. I haven’t yet for a few reasons; I am noticeably out of shape compared to everyone else, I sweat a LOT, far more than anyone else (related to the meds, my psychiatrist tells me) and the class is under fluorescent lights. Still, I miss it…

  2. Oh golly. Feeling sweaty and out of shape is so hard!

    You can look at different dojos? Because the most important thing isn’t the art it is the community of students. I study aikido, but my oldest friend studies oyama style karate, and started in her thirties

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