Oh, the irony.

Is there a way to tell WordPress that I don’t want to see the stats for my blog, ever? Having it carol “You’ve had zero views!” when I log in to post about loneliness seems a bit… on the nose.

I can’t live a life where ignoring the life I am living equals coping… and when I sit and think about my life I become casually suicidal. I feel like Jackie Brown when she says “I’m too old to start over.” It would be one thing to move, to tell myself that I don’t know anyone yet because I’m new to town. It’s quite another to think that after ten years I have only one friend and no prospects whatsoever for a boyfriend, because I’m fat and possibly also ugly. One woman, a mentor of mine, explained (to enourage me) how her friend had also been on PopularDatingSite and found her husband, “but she had to go to coffee with a lot of guys before that happened.” Must be nice to be asked to coffee by “a lot of guys”, as I’ve had one date in 3 months after hundreds of profile views.

Anyway I just turned this on to blog until I got tireder because my mind was going to such a bleak place… The house is clean, I’m caught up and well documented at work, so would there be any harm in tying a scarf and leaning on it, just to see if I can feel the circulation being cut off? A little test drive if you will? Then, frightened by how imminent and easy and reasonable it seems, I’m driven to tears by the thought that I wouldn’t be missed or really, my absence noticed; a half-dozen people would go “Huh! Well, that’s too bad” and then go on, like I did when I read of a distant high school classmate’s wife dying of cancer.

It’s just sad, that I’ve tried to be a good friend, good person, and I’ve ended up with no anchor in this sea of humanity. So I sail alone, sleeping pills by night and Dexedrine by day.


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