I did some therapy work today on someone in my life who really failed me when I needed them to be there, and letting that go. Then when I got home it struck me like a sack of bricks – what a fucking idiot I was!! I knew better than to expect that this person would have supported me. They just didn’t have it in them. So doesn’t that make me colossally stupid for making myself vulnerable go them? (Rhetorical question. Yes. It makes me incredibly, embarrassingly stupid.)
So I may have forgiven them, but I am mad at myself. And feel as if that negates all of the pain… How can I be like “boo hoo, they really kicked me when I was down” when of course they did!! I never expected – although I might have hoped – for them to do any different? I can make excuses – I was young, my back was to the wall – but the fact is I knew better.
I haven’t felt so much like cutting myself for a long, long time. I hardly slept all night, I kept having nightmares about being unsafe, then I cried all morning about this shit and now I just feel worn out and have a dull headache and would really love that sweet sharp pain to distract me. A tattoo would be even better but you can’t get that at the drop of a hat, at least not a good one.