I’m having such a hard time keeping my mind on the job today. I think the next task I have to do is pretty easy and could be done pretty quickly but I keep just zoning out. Then I have a background feeling of mild panic because I realize that I have to file a bunch of papers and clean out my desk and everything and I think that job will take a long time and there will be lots of loose ends and so I just get jittery.
Then I went to try to go talk to the person who is supposed to be sorting out my contract with HR and they’re not here today. Not being able to plan really stresses me out. I don’t know how much my last cheque will be, I don’t know if I’ll get anything out of my pension, I don’t know what the financial details of the contract are that they are going to propose, I don’t know how much my prescriptions will cost after this month, although I can at least figure that one out once I round up the slips from the last time I filled them all and see the prices.
I don’t know, it’s like I am paralyzed with indecision — back to the whole why-can’t-I-get-groceries issue, and speaking of which there is a carton of eggs in my fridge that expired Feb 24. I need to throw them out, obviously, but I think I should recycle the carton and so it’s been sitting here waiting and guilt-tripping me, because I bought them because eggs were quick! and a nutritious source of protein! and I think I cooked two eggs out of the dozen.
Anyway when I think of what I need to do I get totally overwhelmed, and it all seems equally important, so then I end up doing nothing, or starting something and not finishing it — I moved six boxes of books from my storage unit because it’s ridiculous to pay for storing stuff when there is storage room in the condo, and there they sit right inside the front door.
The EAP counsellor just keeps saying how I’m just in survival mode, treading water, until this job is done and then i’ll have the time to take care of this stuff, but I worry that when this job is done I’ll stay in bed and cry all day and get even less done. And now I’ve used up 20 minutes of my “lunch” time blogging instead of making up for the time I wasted working. I have been melting an Ativan under my tongue this whole time so hopefully that will help…