I feel like I’m fine, then the nurse comes in and asks me that and I get all teary. My back hurts like a bitch if I move the wrong way, I have this shooting pain right through my butt cheek, so I was on the floor (which badly needs a Swiffer, so, gross) stretching for 40 minutes again, which barely helped. I am sure it’s a “jammed up SI joint” which is what my massage therapist has said in the past so maybe I will have to wait until I can get in for an appointment for a massage or chiro to help.
Anyway, back to the nurse coming in. He is a middle-aged Asian man, and came in to take my vitals and talk to me for a bit. He asked why I was here and “when was the last time I was in the hospital”, which I found interesting – now it’s assumed I’ve been in before, I’m chronic, that I am a Long-Term Mental Case. It is different from the last time I was here ten months ago, and I don’t like it.
So he asked why I was here (what had happened to make the depression worse) and I explained that for one thing I’d been waiting on a pain clinic referral since June and they’d called with an appointment time for next March, so the whole area of Dealing with Migraine is depressing, and then I started crying. Then we briefly went out over the other areas of my life (friends? Work?) and I cried while explaining them, or the lack of them.
I had two friends visit Thursday, then one coming today and one tomorrow, which is good because the weekends here are really dull – everyone is out on passes, there are no groups, etc., so I am actually welcoming the idea of social contact. Being in the hospital is already way more social contact than I ever get at baseline – I get hello and good night from my office mates at work, aaand… I make and am able to follow through on social plans every few months. I went to a movie with one friend in January, and went to another friend’s house in, I’m gonna say, around July? to visit and do some crafts. Otherwise it’s work and migraines. It’s a fucking depressing life.
The hospital only has an ancient migraine medication, which I haven’t taken since the 1990’s, and they keep saying “Maybe someone could bring in some meds from home?” But I don’t want that because all my meds are together in a train case and someone might just bring all of them in instead of picking through them, like I asked for – that’s what happened last time – and then they could take my suicide/overdose stash without my being able to stop them. I don’t want that; if they get me feeling better then fine, but if they don’t I want that option open to me, to be my own choice.